It’s called the “King of Fruits”.
It’s big and stinky and revered in Southeast Asia.
I’m talking, of course, about durian.
Let me begin with an apology to my Malaysian family and friends. I know you all love durian, and I’m sorry to disparage it so. My wife is a durian addict and she’s going to hate this blog.
That said, my experience with the fruit has been consistently unpleasant. 0/10. Not a fan.
EVERYTHING about durian is offensive. Just handling one is an ordeal. Nasty spikes cover the rind and they WILL slice your skin.
People are injured by falling durians every year. The fruit is responsible for so many fatalities that it’s said to be more dangerous than sharks.
Assuming you survive long enough to try one, you’ll need a hatchet and a crowbar just to get the thing open. Here’s my father-in-law hacking away at a fresh durian with his machete:
Once you get inside, ninety percent of the durian is inedible. It’s all spikes and rind and big garish pits. You don’t so much eat durian as you slurp the mushy pulp off giant seeds. The seeds themselves are poisonous… because of course they are. They can be boiled or roasted if you really want to try one. (You don’t.)
The flesh is mealy and slimy and tastes like a dead cat. Even if I enjoyed the taste, I’m not sure I could get past the durian mouth-feel. It’s like grainy custard covered in old soup skin.
And then, of course, there’s the smell. The durian stench is legendary. Sugars and alcohols in the fruit give off a powerful aroma that you can smell from a block away.
Once you dig into one, that smell gets into everything. Your clothes. Your car. Your burps. Your pee. The stench is so bad that durians are typically banned from hotels and public transportation.
Durian smells have led to flights being grounded and buildings evacuated.
“Passengers demanded that the fruit be removed, with some almost coming to blows with crew members.”
BBC News
But despite all this, Malaysians love their durian. It’s a regional obsession, even though there are dozens of tasty tropical fruits people could be eating instead.
Mango, watermelon, pineapple, rambutan… all readily available, none stinky or dangerous.
My personal favorite is dragonfruit. The real “King of Fruits” in my opinion.
Dragonfruit is beautiful inside and out. It’s exotic and sensual and easily handled without gloves. It’s also quite tasty. Just the right amount of sweet with a subtle crunch.
With delectables like dragonfruit, why anyone would want to hack their way through a durian is beyond me. 🤷♂️
But I guess that’s the beauty of the tropics: there’s something for everyone. Malaysians are quite proud of their durian, and I don’t want to offend my adoptive nation. It’s one of those foods you either love or you hate. My sister weirdly enjoyed it. My in-laws could eat durian all day.
If you come to Malaysia, you should definitely try durian. We recently hosted some colleagues from America, and they were brave enough to sample. They described it as like biting into a sweet onion.
It’s not for the faint of heart, but you can never fully escape it. Throughout Malaysia you’ll find durian dressings, cookies, candies, and pastries. There are entire shops devoted to durian. McDonalds even offers a Durian McFlurry.
I’ve tried durian several times and never cared for it. I don’t think that will ever change. But hey, you might love it! It’s the King of Fruits after all. So grab your machete and have a bite…
Just don’t expect me to give you a ride home.
More durian please! I will take Su’s advice that you want to stick to the real, fresh, Malaysian variety. I can’t wait to come back to Malaysia and pig out on durian with Su (and Adam?)
Eric!!! This was a really fun blog. Great writing!
Toni and I agree with YOU! Love you, Siti!
Susie
Okay, I might try it once since it is a fruit, and I think I would rather like the dragon fruit. Maybe I’ll pass on the durian! But this is funny!